Saturday, August 2, 2008

Fun At The Ballpark

It's no secret that Washington's baseball team, the Capital Dees, are mired in difficulty this season. Just last year the nation's media gushed over the Dees' collection of talent, their diversity, and their cleverness on the diamond. Now, they have the worst record in the history of organized ball. It isn't just hitting, the pitching is horrid too and they've suddenly lost the ability to field.

Manager Harley "Specs" Reid was asked about the team batting average of .009, lower by nearly 200 points than any other team in history at this point in the season. His reply was, "It's important for the fans to realize that we can't drill our way out of this problem. Drilling is repetitious, it wears us out, and then we'll hit worser. Besides drilling is killing us." Reid was asked if it was even possible for the Dees to hit worse than .009. He blinked three times and then mumbled, "I'm not going to answer hypotheticals."

The aging left fielder, Nan "San Fran" Pelski was once held up as the symbol of all that was great about Washington's team. Now, hitless in 236 trips to the plate with 74 errors in left, her advanced years and impatient demeanor are all that Washington fans see. Asked for a comment on the Dees' miserable year and why the team wasn't shifting direction from failed game strategies Nan said, "I'm trying to save the league here. I'm trying to save the league!" Reporters scratched their heads and wondered if her hearing was shot too and she couldn't hear the question.

Of course many Dees' fans point the finger of blame at rookie phenom Barry "South Side" O'Blamma. Barry shot up through the minors and looked like a sure thing for major league success. But he has missed all but 3 of Washington's games with a series of odd maladies. When it looked like he was healthy after surviving a bout of the rare "hillarititis challengellus primaris" he inexplicably went off to play in a foreign league right in the heart of the season. Now back he has played in 3 contests, gone 0 for 16 with 12 strikeouts and made 4 errors at first base. His comment to reporters yesterday as he came out of the Dees' shower in a pair of $150 flip-flops was baffling, "I'm not part of the Washington team. I'm about change and hope for a better season next year. I am the reason for next season!" He then changed into a $1,500 suit, slipped into a pair of $400 shoes, knotted his $250 tie and left the locker room. As he departed the Washington Dees beat writers cheered and high-fived each other.

The headline in the sports section the next day, "Dees Only One Game Behind Arrs". Subhead: "O'Blamma Leads Washington With Style and Flair"